Women Managing Stress

Several years ago, I started a new job. Being as it was a brand-new start-up office and I was the only person hired at that point, I quickly threw myself into organizing, making connections, and starting services. My supervisor, who was a recreation therapist, asked me one day what I was going to do over the weekend. I recited cleaning, work around the house, researching things about the office, and preparing for a class I was teaching.

Her face changed. It wasn’t a look of, “Gee- how wonderful to have a work-oriented person here!” She again asked me what I was going to do over the weekend. I looked back at her puzzled. I had just told her. Then, she said, “You need to take some time for recreation. Do something fun for yourself. Something you enjoy. What about your hobbies? What about going outside?”

I wasn’t sure what to think. Part of me felt as if the school principal had just reprimanded me. Part of me felt like I knew what I was doing and I was being productive and I enjoyed what I did. Nevertheless, I did as she told me, and that weekend, I did something fun. She asked me about it on Monday.

But over time,  I learned exactly what she meant. Recreation isn’t optional in our lives. It’s not meant to be something at the bottom of our to-do list, that we can only engage in if we get everything else done. It’s not for people who have nothing better to do. It’s not for people who don’t have as many responsibilities as the next person.

Part of managing stress is recreation. Doing things we enjoy adds a smile to our face while releasing the frustration we have hidden from the world that day. Instead of holding everything in like a volcano waiting for the slightest movement to start the explosion of furry, participating in recreational activities helps us to keep our stress levels at a constant level.

As women, we’re programmed to be helpful to others. We’re programmed to keep going when we are at our limit. We’re programmed to think of ourselves last. Part of being helpful to others is giving them our best selves. That doesn’t mean we have to be perfect. But helping them when we’re barely holding our eyes open, we have 15 things flowing through our mind during our conversation with them, and we’re fantasizing about sleeping or sitting in a porch swing without a phone ringing isn’t really behing helpful to that person. Recreation allows us to care for ourselves, to regroup, to let up pent up tensions, and to feel worthy of such opportunities.

So what are you doing this weekend for fun?

It seems like everyday on the news, updates are given on the numbers of those who are unemployed, the number of jobs available, and economic growth. For nearly two years, those rates seem to keep rising, while the economy rides a roller coaster. Currently, some reports state that 9.3% of our workforce is facing unployment, while those who are underemployed are hovering around 17.2%. 

Losing a job takes a toll on how you view yourself. You wonder how others view you. Looking through possible jobs can often be depressing, with countless internet searches and completing the same information over and over again. Some jobs may seem somewhat interesting, but may mean a huge cut in pay- resulting in even more stress over what to cut from the family budget.

After a period of time, this stress related to a change in jobs and the job search can take a toll. The constant lack of surity of whether or not you should buy this, go here, or stay home to save on gas can eat away at your sanity. Even those who are usually polite may find themselves being snappy, grumpy, and depressed. Hormone levels are elevated as a result of stress. After producing an increased level of stress-related hormones for a sustained period of time, it’s harder for a person to maintain their normal level of functioning or even their moods. All are signs of stress related to job loss.

So what can you do to help yourself during this stressful life event?

1. Stay Connected to Others. It’s tempting to withdraw from social events because they cost money or you don’t want to talk about what happened (and what’s NOT happening in your life).  Join a local group through Meetup.com or find classes through the recreation and parks department. Host potluck gatherings at your home. Stay active in other groups that you’ve been a part of, such as church, bowling leagues, book clubs, or professional groups.

2. Use Social Media. Social media sites, such as Facebook, can offer a way to connect to others. This is a positive connection. Since most jobs can be applied for online, it can help encouraging to share your findings with friends or to share a potential job that may be more suited for them through social media. While you complete applications, you can ask them for help on wordings or to even help you remember other things to list on the application. One word of caution:hour after hour and day after day of sitting in front of a computer can hinder productivity in other ways, so keep it balanced! LinkedIn offers potential jobs, connections to other professionals, and groups that can give tips and insights.

3. Get Out of Your House. Staying inside and away from others will add to your stress while looking for a job. Visit the library to find books; volunteer (a great way to find a potential NEW job) at a school, nursing home, non-profit, or even an office; or socialize with friends.

4. Physical activity. Moving will help your entire body, mentally and physically. It will also help you to sleep better. Tension will be relieved. Exercising doesn’t mean you have to join a gym (more $$$ at a time when funds are tight). You can check out DVDs from the library to use at home, download workouts from the internet, find suggestions from magazines, or walk around the neighborhood. Exercise also offers a great way for you to connect to others. For example, invite a neighbor to walk with you in the mornings.

5. Stay on a routine. It’s tempting to sleep in when you don’t have to be somewhere at a certain time. It’s also tempting to sleep more- taking naps to combat depression or to procrastinate completing another job application. Try to go to bed and get up at the same time. Make a daily routine with time to exercise, connect to others, work in the yard or around the house, tackle the “To-Do List” that you’ve been avoiding, and time to look for jobs. Also, set a time limit to help you stay motivated.

6. Learn new skills. While many people are going back to school to earn a degree, you may not have to do this. There are many classes at community colleges that can be taken at home, at your own pace. While they may not issue college credit, they will give you additional skills, often for as low as $60 to learn a new computer program. You can also learn these new skills through volunteer work, books, the internet, friends, and internships.

7.View the Extra Time as a Gift. There are many days when you have to go to work, that you think of all the things that you would rather be doing. So start doing them during this time!

8. Sign Up for a Class or Group on Finding  Job. There are support groups in many towns, classes to help you with resumes, and people who will read over your resume. Check with your alma mater for free services to alumni on resumes, finding jobs, and even job postings that are exclusive to alumni.

If you would like to learn more about ways to manage your stress during the job search process, check out our NEW class that will be offered on July 21 and August 4. Click under “Classes” for more details.

I just read an interesting story on-line from the New York Times discussing on-line therapy and in particular, on-line marriage therapy. At the end of the article, there were several comments by readers, many of whom were saying that they had tried “marriage counseling” and it wasn’t a helpful experience.

There are times when therapy isn’t a helpful experience. Here are some tips to help make it beneficial for you:

1. Be Comfortable and Connected with the Therapist.

Studies show time after time that it’s  not so much about the technique used by the therapist, but the connection between the therapist and the clients. Just because someone has seen your neighbor and did wonderful work with them does not mean they are the best fit for you. It’s important to feel like the person you are working with is mindful of your experiences and beliefs, and you feel as though they have a good grasp on the presenting concerns. It is also important for you to feel as though you can be yourself around them. Often, clients say that some therapists are distant and professional, quiet, constantly writing, and some even feel judged by them. If you feel like this uncomfortable with your therapist, the chances are that you aren’t being yourself around them and that you aren’t sharing as much as you should be sharing. That information can help the therapist to be more effective. So make sure that you have the connection with your therapist. Some offer consultations to see if there is a fit before you begin working together.

2. Be Active with your Assignments.

The second major factor that can hinder changes from happening is only working on the problems during the sessions with the therapist. It’s understandable to be that way- when you’ve tried to discuss things on your own, it hasn’t worked the way you had hoped. However, the goal is for the clients to not need their therapist because they’ve found solutions to function better. To help speed up the process, doing some thinking and changing outside of the session will help. While not all therapists give “homework,” they may ask you to jot something down or to think about a specific instance. Coming to sessions prepared will also help you feel and see the difference sooner.

It’s also important to complete things. If you don’t feel comfortable with the therapist, let them know and ask for referrals. If you stop suddenly because you can feel a difference, things are going better, or you aren’t connecting, it can backfire. Just like not seeing a physical therapist after surgery, the problem that was an issue before can then turn into a bigger problem. Most therapists have a treatment plan that will end your work together in a way that feels comfortable, and not like you’ve just been cut loose on your own.

3. Be Committed to the Process.

You’re probably thinking, “I’m already committed to my spouse/child/family/etc. If not, I wouldn’t be here.” The other part of you may be thinking if something doesn’t change, then you will need to “be committed” to a hospital. There’s an old fable (some may call it a joke) about a pig and chicken who want to go into a restaurant business together. The chicken thinks they should serve bacon and eggs…and understandably, the pig has reservations. While the chicken is contributing, the pig is totally committed to that venture. What is your motivation for therapy? Do you relate to the pig or the chicken?

4. Be Patient with the Process.

While patience may be a virtue, it is definitely in short supply in a time when we can download information in seconds and have food ready in minutes. The therapist is “joining” your situation and it will take some time to not only bring them up to speed, but for each party to feel like they’ve had a chance to get out their side of the story. To you, this is old news and it can feel like a waste of time. However, if everyone involved doesn’t feel like they’ve had a fair chance to share and they don’t feel like the therapist understands them, it can hinder the process. Most of the time this part of the process can take place within  3-4 sessions, depending on the nature of the problem and how cooperative family members are in the process. Most therapeutic work can be completed within 8-12 sessions, with some taking 20 sessions. If you come weekly, you’re looking at 2-6 months to see the changes set in. Then you can move to a “check-up” like your yearly physical with your doctor, just to help keep things on track before they veer off course again.

5. Be Ready to Ask Questions.

If you are not comfortable or don’t understand what’s happening in your therapy session, ask! Most therapists are happy to answer your questions and see your willingness to inquire why you’re doing something as being an active participant. Even during the first call when you’re arranging a time for the first session, come prepared with a list of questions. This will help you to have more trust and comfort with them, and will help make the experience better when you feel like you are a part of the experience.

What do you see? Faces or candlestick?

  Have you ever had a situation in life that just weighed constantly on your mind? No matter what you did- that situation just seemed to constantly float through your thoughts (and your dreams). There was no escaping those constant thoughts….like the Energizer Bunny, they kept going and going and going.  

  There’s a solution. It’s the best kept secret of therapists and one of the best secrets to surviving in life.  

 REFRAMING  

  Have you ever had a photo in a frame on the coffee table that had always been there? The frame was dusty and while the photo was one of your favorites, it just didn’t seem to go with that frame. Yes, the frame was beautiful. But there was something just off about it.Then one day, you were browsing in a store and found a frame that was perfect for that picture. And sure enough, when you changed out the frames, it was absolutely amazing.  

  That, my friend, is reframing.Sometimes in life, we have to change the frame that we look at the world through. So when your two year old is throwing a temper tantrum in the floor in the grocery store, remind yourself that being stubborn means he’ll stick to his dreams. When you find yourself underemployed with all of the emotions that accompany that life event, you can suddenly work on all of those things that you so wanted to do instead of go to work on a rainy Monday morning.  

Old woman or young lady?

You may have to push yourself some days to look at the event differently. And, you may even have to stretch on other days to even find something. But, once you do find that way to look at the situation differently, suddenly everything else slides into focus and that’s when good things can often start happening once you’ve freed yourself from the prison of that other frame.  

Start framing life differently and see how you start to look at things from a new frame of reference!