I was really looking forward to seeing my friend. It had been a while since we last connected. Our last visit had been so fun. Not to mention girl talk is always good for the soul. So I sent her an email and it just so happened she was going to be in town that weekend! It was meant to be. Or so I thought.
When it became clear that our schedules wouldn’t line up for us to connect, she replied back and simply said, “Sorry.”
But it didn’t feel like she was really apologizing at all. I mean, yes, she said the word “sorry.” But one word? Why not “I’m sorry.” That would have made me think she really meant it. Just one little contraction, two tiny little letters would have made me feel like she, too, was sad we wouldn’t be able to connect.
So then my brain went started whirling away, recalling times when people had said, “I’m sorry” versus “Sorry.” Was I the only one who felt that one simple word standing by itself didn’t really convey a sincere apology? Or was I over-analyzing again (because that’s I do best)?
I guess the answer to this question depends on the person. I guess I’ll always prefer a two-worded apology over just the word, “Sorry.” But the real take-home message is: “What do those around you need to hear?”
In sessions, I hear stories of pain that have been bottled up for years sometimes. I’ve seen couples where one partner had felt pain over a simple sentence that was said over a decade ago. And while many, many other special occasions and wonderful moments had come and gone during that time, one simple sentence still held them hostage to pain and doubt. And though the other person had tried over and over to apologize and to explain that they didn’t mean it that way, those words still left a mark with wounds that went deep.
What does that other person need to hear?
Do they need to hear an apology? Well, yes. Does it really depend on the wording? Well, kind of.
So what’s the answer? Spell it out for me, Tammy!
The answer to saying you’re sorry in a way that really conveys sincerity and honesty boils down to “crossing over” to the other person. What exactly do I mean by “crossing over?”
It means thinking about it from the other person’s point of view and incorporating a bit of them into the apology. You see, the thing that really makes an apology effective and healing isn’t the word “sorry” itself. It’s about the other person feeling understood and valued more than anything. That’s how you erase something hurtful. That’s how you restore damaged trust. It’s all about them feeling accepted and understood by you. Then they can let the walls down. Then they can allow the pain to evaporate. Then they can let it go. Then the apology means something.
So, here are some things you can try:
1. Use words that are meaningful to them. Are there certain words they tend to use when they apologize? Try using those. Are there words and phrases they absolutely hate? Then don’t use them in an apology.
2. Look them in the eye if you are in person giving the apology. Better yet, touch them. You don’t have to give them a hug if you’re uncomfortable, but you can put your hand on their knee or touch them on the shoulder or elbow.
3. Show some emotion. Let them see you squirm. Let them see a tear welling up in your eye. We’re often hurt, too. And sometimes our pride gets in the way and prevents us from showing emotions. But that let’s them see our sincerity.
4. Follow-up with an action that is kind. No, you don’t have to buy flowers. But you can turn down the covers and put a piece of candy or a card on their pillow. You can fix their favorite dinner. You can sit quietly by them on the couch during their favorite show. It’s not about cost here. It’s about small, simple actions that show you understand them.
So while it may not really matter at all if you say, “Sorry” versus “I’m sorry.” It does matter if you are able to convey to the other person that you care, you are sincere, and you really do know them for an apology to make a difference.
Tammy Whitten helps couples find practical ways to decrease stress in their relationships.